Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I simply wrote the word, I. My mind is as blank as the screen before me, though a million words and images are racing through my head, I can’t seem to settle on a single one. I am afraid, I am weighed down by stress, which affects my body, which affects my mind. My one prayer is to make it through the day that is now. I don’t know what tomorrow holds--I do know that I long for a better life, where I get to do what I want, which is write. In which I can love someone who wants to be with me...period. Where I can see my daughter develop into the woman she is becoming. Where I’m appreciated for the art that I continue trying to make as opposed to the work that someone else thinks I should be doing. I still long to travel--I am well aware that there is a whole world out there and I am hoping, with however long I have to live, to see at least some of it.
I simply wrote the word, I. Because it starts with me. I am fighting every day, not to be held back--by myself or by others, by outside forces beyond my control. I desire to just be--not confined to some job description or a paycheck; not to others’ perception of me, or what they think I should be doing; not to some vague notion of what it takes to get ahead in this life.
I simply wrote the word, I. I am trying to fight the urge not to call it quits. To keep the demons at bay. I am more than this life I’m currently living. Not sure if my spirit is still willing, though I’m well aware that my body is beyond weak. But for the grace of God go I...
simply write the word, which is where it all begins, where it all began. And God has always been in the details...He or She created them. Whether we choose to acknowledge that or not.
I simply wrote the word, I...am trying not to exercise futility. I do not care if this is not making sense. Nowadays, most of, if not all of it is not making any sense. The best that we can hope for is that we can avoid those who believe that they call the shots, that they get to determine that our life is no longer valuable--whether it’s by plane crash, or bombing, or shooting, or drunk driving. Like the man said, “I would like to live a long life--longevity has its place.” The tragic irony being that he never got to--none of us know if we’re going to. Which is simply why I write the word...
I, because other than the grace of God, and the love of my family, and of a good woman, and a few select friends, my words are all I got. It’s probably all I need in this crazy, beautfiul, fucked-up world. Another man wrote, that we are all terminal cases. This terminal case hopes to make a difference in the lives of other terminal cases until mine is closed and I’ve been filed away and I become a memory that people, loved ones talk about at gatherings. These words that I simply write, I feel, are all I have control over and even then, I’m not so sure, because I’m at the mercy of whatever muse I’ve been assigned to, and most times, she shows up when she wants to, the bitch!
I simply write the word, I, because I continue to look for truth, whereever I can find it. I don’t know any other way. Because it helps me to understand, because sometimes it gives me peace. Because sometimes, I feel like I’ve given some value to the world, even if no one else ever tells me so. Because there’s so much that is not of value that is being put out there, that someone has to fight against it, like a team of doctors fighting against a disease.
I simply wrote the word, I, because I wanted to fill this small hour of time, with something constructive, perhaps even meaningful, as opposed to filling it with something that would be a complete waste of my time and effort, which I seem to be more wont to do. Yes, it is rambling, yes, it may not be coherent, maybe it might not mean a damn thing, but have you watched the news or listened to the pundits lately? I’m just sayin’. And I’ve just said enough...for now at least.
My time is up, for now. Until next time. Thanks for reading, those of you who have chosen to take the time to do so. I just simply wrote the words...what you choose to do with them is up to you.